I have been thinking a lot lately about the spork. Yes, that crazy inbred contraption made famous by Taco Bell that claims to be both fork and spoon. It is true, I used to be pro-spork, but you know what... nay I say... down with the spork! It is a bastardly utensil lacking in both form and function.
Look at the fork; it is undeniably useful in its main function of stabbing food to carry it safely and neatly to ones mouth. As well, it has a secondary function as a handy slicing too when turned on edge and used as a knife. Wow, what a brilliant little device. Truly ground-breaking if you ask me.
And the spoon... while the concept of the spoon is only a glorified version of ones own cupped hand, it serves well to keep us clean and full. A remarkable example of refinement through ingenuity.
Now the fucking spork. Compared to a fork, the only genetic similarity are the three small tines protruding from the end, which have mutated from four full sized tines. These tines are useless for anything but the most basic of food delivery and impractical in times of hurried consumption. Although lacking the proper nomenclature of foon, the spork derives most of it characteristics from the common spoon. However, liquid transportability has been compromised due to the slots developed in hybridization, thus making the spork much less useful than the spoon. As far a cutting abilities, the spork is much less useful than a fork, and arguably worse than a spoon due to the weakened leading edge.
In conclusion, I find that the spork is dead to me as a favorite utensil. To all those that claim it as your #1, may I suggest that you look yourself in the eyes, and ask "Do I really love the spork?". Don't be surprised to find yourself weeping upon the realization that you have, once again, joined the band-wagon.
Fuck the Foon.
Benjamin J. Gray
3 comments:
Damn it. You have a point. Thanks for turning my world upside down. Jerk.
While I agree with your thesis regarding the spork, foon or whatever the fuck you want to call it, you assertion that the spork was made famous by Taco Bell has me perplexed. I do not dispute this assertion as I have no evidence to the contrary. Instead I ask if there has ever been a menu item served at Taco Bell that required utensils beyond the opposable thumb and forefinger the good Lord hath given us? In other words, what the fuck do you need a spoon at Taco Bell for?
A utensil cannot be legitimized as such if it's main proprietor does not serve food that would necessitate it's use.
With all do respect to the spork, it used extensively in KenTacoHut's throughout the American mid-west, and possibly beyond as migration patterns have not been characterized. While I do love me some KFC mashed potatoes, I can not help but to walk away displeased after I use a spork to try and scrape that last bit of gravy'y goodness out of the bottom and end up with styrofoam in my mouth. User error? Possibly, but this is America and I blame the spork. Lawsuit anyone?
Speaking of Americans, KFC and lawsuits, what do you think about this bad boy?
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